5 days to go. I don't know how to feel this season. I want to hide in my room and be alone with Isla but I also want to enjoy it with Evan, as it's his first really memorable holiday. He's overcome with Christmas, and all the glitzy things that go along with it. I find comfort and heartache in it, all at the same time. Today was his Christmas playschool party, and it was ... difficult? I expected a lot more baby siblings, thankfully, there was only one. A girl, and a beautiful one at that, in a velvety red Christmas dress. When the teachers offered siblings to go up and sit on Santa's knee after the students had had a turn, my heart wrenched. I had no sibling to sit on Santa's knee. The fact that Evan is now an only child is a big source of sadness for me. Having grown up with a sister to whom I'm pretty close, I know the wonder of sharing life's most special moments with someone you love and know so well. Evan, even with a sibling, at this point will have had most of his exciting moments in childhood alone. That makes me feel like a failure as a parent, like I've let my little boy down. He doesn't seem to suffer for it, or even ask for a sibling, but I know how awesome it would have been for him. The Dodge Caravan commercial made me cry, the first time I saw it. Lovely how emotions take control over themselves. The kids in the back swung their chairs to face eachother, and set up some kind of table in the middle, to play a game on the road. Evan won't have that kind of sibling relationship. No hiking in the woods together, competing for the best finds, wiener roasts, camping, summer vacation, Disneyland etc etc etc.... it's a constant reminder that he won't have the things about my childhood that I cherish the most: exciting times shared with my sister. He will only have us to enjoy them with, and that makes me sad. We're fun, but we're not a brother or sister. It's just different.