Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I found the Baby Loss Blog Directory, and I'm flabbergasted. I cannot believe the number of baby loss blogs. If we assume probably about 5% of people who lose a baby blog (and I think that's probably a generous estimate), then the number of actual losses becomes astounding. It's not a new figure, but suddenly, when there are pictures, faces, families and lives put to each individual statistic, the volume of losses is staggering. I have been perusing several baby loss blogs, some I've found at my new favourite baby loss site, missfoundation.org, and some who've surfed their way over to mine, and left comments. I can't believe how often I find myself concurring, and nodding over and over in agreement with their comments, perceptions, new realities and such. It is a mixed bag really, because I am part of an exclusive club no one wants to join. It is pretty much the shittiest thing on earth, yet here are these women. They are amazing writers, insightfully narrating their own journeys, and trudging their way through grief, lending a shoulder to cry on and crying on mine, and I think "wow, how lucky am I to have all of this within my grasp?" I mean, I would trade it all in for another minute with Isla in a heartbeat, but what a strange thing has happened in having had her at all. I have been exposed to this new underground of suffering people, like me, willing to share my pain, while I share theirs. In the most raw and vulnerable of human states, we expose ourselves and are at the mercy of virtual strangers. And we embrace each other unconditionally, with compassion and empathy. It's a level of humanity that is sadly not often experienced in 'real life'. I have visited a few 'every day' blogs, where the bloggers write about a new recipe they've found, or some anecdote their husband told them. Sure, it's cute, but it seems awfully meaningless to me. There is no richness, no meat, so to speak. Again, I'd give it up in a second and have my own 'fluff blog' if I could, but I guess if I have to endure this, I am grateful for the company of some insightful, thought provoking, empathetic souls with whom to share the journey, in all its ups and downs.

Note: This was a really shitty week, PMS, the 4 month mark, full moon and all that...
This post feels really optimistic, so I'm sure I'll crash tomorrow. Ah, the joys of grief.


anarchist mom said...

The baby loss directory is so sad, and I so know what you mean about having a good day and knowing that that means a bad one is just around the corner. Sigh. I'm coming out of a couple of bad ones, tomorrow is two months for me, and I think it's only really starting to hit me. Wishing you peace, Steph.

Coggy said...

4 months, PMS and full moon that about sums it up for me too.
Bleak would be quite a good description also.
After having had a couple of relatively OK weeks I'm back in the thick of it again.

I would be utterly lost without the blog community. I shudder at where I'd be now without it. Mentally insane? Probably. At times when I am really sad this is the only place I can find solace. I just immerse myself for a couple of hours and I don't feel so alone.

I've often thought about the numbers of us out here. It's frightening. Every time I see a new name on my comments my heart sinks because I know someone else has joined us all on this horrendous journey.

Isla is such a beautiful name, I truly am sorry your beautiful little girl isn't with you, but glad you're blogging.

c. said...

I don't know how I would be coping if it weren't for deadbabyland. I feel badly for women like us who don't know it's here and cannot benefit from reading the amazing stories of grief and pain, healing and hope.

missing_one said...

I just read through your story with tears.
I have no words, just tears.
thank you so much for posting with us and sharing the story of your beautiful Isla.

Julia said...

4 months was pretty sad for me too.
I am so sorry about the loss of your beautiful Isla.
It is also our common experience to make these connections in the deadbaby blogoverse and to be so grateful for them, and to at the same time wish nobody had to be here. I am not sure how I would have made it through the last year without this world, and I am certainly not sure how I would be coping now at my one year anniversary.

charmedgirl said...

i just read your story...which was chillingly similar to my own. i also had a homebirth vbac planned, pool set up, etc. unlike you, they planned my c-section because p@ige was already dead. (i'm secretly grateful that she didn't die during labor or because of transport, because i can't even imagine living with that guilt; thinking my baby died because i had to have the homebirth *experience*.)

we will sit here forever and wonder about the possibilities of different outcomes had we done things differently...but your story played out in one of my wished-for scenarios and ended the same way. i wonder if that will help my guilt at least for some things, probably not.

four months is really horrible. the worst yet. i noticed the full moon the other night and laughed, thinking it was making it worse. and the blog directory? i feel like i'm standing at the gates of hell, watching more file in.

Coggy said...

Hi Steph,

I just wanted to say Hi and that I hope you are doing OK. x x x

Steph said...

Hi all, thanks for your comments. I am comforted by them, and just knowing there are others out there on this journey with me (tragically as it is) makes the walk a little less lonely. Thank you for being there, and staying through it all. My thoughts to you and your angels.