Ah baby girl I am missing you tonight. What a hard day, all the baby girls at Old Navy... about as old as you would have been. The adorable little clothes you should be wearing... Some days it seems to be bearable, and I can take in a full breath, fully fill my body with air, And others, there is such a weight on my chest, I feel suffocated by it. I cannot fill my lungs, the emptiness inside me is unfathomable. I am starting to feel angry about what happened to you. Angry at Barb, angry at the doctors, angry at myself, my family and just anyone around, really. I feel so cheated out of being your mom. You were so cheated out of living a full life... becoming this amazing person I know you would have. I've just had another birthday, my 34th. I have lived 34 years, you lived half a day. It is so unfair. So unbelievably unfair. I feel sick when I think about how it should have been me that died, not you. I would put myself in your shoes in a heartbeat. God how I miss you. Everything feels so unnatural without you here... How can a mother go through life living a life of 'should haves' instead of doing them? How can I get up and go on with my life every day when my beautiful daughter has died after 12 hours of life? I can hardly imagine how the rest of my life will play out. I miss you so much my baby girl, god I hope you are out there somewhere and that someday I will have the chance to hold you again. Know how loved you are sweetheart. The other day your big brother Evan told me "Mom, I think you're special" and I smiled and said I thought he was pretty special himself. Then I asked him what he thought 'special' meant. He said "special means the best!" And certainly, he is pretty special himself. You, my darling angel are special too. You are my best girl, and no matter what always will be.

xoxoxo