I wrote to a friend tonight, and in it I tried to explain how I was feeling. I'm copying it here because it sums it up pretty vividly for me.

My world is kind of a ball of confusion right now, with very little feeling certain or guaranteed. Basically, I'm killing time. I wake up dreading a whole day to fill with meaningless crap until bedtime. I remember getting excited as a child on Christmas Eve, when it started to get dark, because it meant Santa was coming soon. I hate that now I feel excited (for lack of a better word) for dusk because it means I've licked another day.

I'm so terrified somthing is going to happen to Evan now. Now that I know how cruel life can be, and I only have one child, I am certain something awful is coming for him. I don't know if it'll be in the form of an accident, or an incurable disease, but somehow, I can't shake the feeling that I'm not meant to have him for his whole life. I feel awful, like some whackjob bereaved mother writing that, but it's true. I feel like I can't hold on to him tightly enough, can't rub his cheek enough, hug him enough, kiss him enough, tell him enough times how much I love him. I feel scared I'm going to lose him, and it sickens me, and sends waves of panic through me often.

I really wish I could be anyone but me right now. :(