Monday, February 25, 2008

I've been reading some of the comments people have been leaving on the blog, and it is truly one of the only things that makes this awful place livable. I feel fortunate (?) to know people, if only via the internet, who are also on this hell-path. It calms me. I think I often get a little panicky that I'm suffering alone here, that there's no one to really talk to about it, to bare my soul to, without qualifying it all first. Or trying to describe everything I'm going through to people who want to be helpful by listening (bless them), but can't understand. I always feel I have to end my sadness on a happy, hopeful note with them because I know they're sitting there feeling so worried, or so hopeless for me, and I can't stand that. I can't stand the pity. When people ask 'how are you doing', what they really want to hear is "fine" or "getting better". Not "well, today has been absolute shit, and I wish the ground would open up and swallow me" or "it's actually horrible, and I can barely open my mouth to speak the words to tell you about it". Nobody wants to hear that. I don't even like saying it. I hate the reactions. I mean, I understand, people are trying to be sympathetic, compassionate and everything, but if I really told them how I was doing, I get the feeling people might secretly be thinking "oh fuck, get over it already.. it's been x months.." I feel like Eeyore when people ask, and I'm honest about it, realizing I rarely say I'm doing "well". I'm often doing okay, which is a good day. Sometimes I'm doing pretty okay, but most often, I'm downright miserable, sad, angry, resentful, jealous and lonely. Not a lonely that is cured with company, but a kind of empty aloneness that permeates to the bone, and feels like I'm the saddest person in the world. It sucks.

So anger. Is this the time when the anger phase is supposed to begin? At 5 months? Because I've been angry like never before. I think I blogged about this last time, but I can't be bothered to go check. Besides, it's what's on my mind, so here it is. I can't seem to get through the day without being pissed off about something. And I'm not talking about being angry about hitting red lights all the way home. I'm talking about seething red anger, and feeling rage towards my husband for killing an ant with my notepad (though this was pretty stupid on his part). Totally irrational anger. I know anger is one of the grief phases, but I don't know if it applies strictly to the loss, or runs over into anger in daily life. Hopefully the latter; then I'm still somewhat normal.
I don't like myself much these days. I'm angry so often. Angry at my son, who is so damn argumentative and antagonistic lately. I seriously think he's somehow irreparably traumatized by it all. It's not an outward display of grief, or mourning though (or maybe it is. I have no idea what's going on in his 4 year old head). It's more like a reaction to our behaviour. He is aggressive, uncooperative, disrespectful and stubborn SO much of the time, it drains me mentally and emotionally by the end of the day. Completely. Sometimes, I just want to crawl into the bed, pull the covers over and leave it all behind. I really do. That sounds so amazing. But then, I'd be totally alone, and that's worse. Even when he's being an asshole (sorry, I really do love the kid) at least he's there, and I can reach out and touch him. He's real. Yeah, I'm a total head case, you're all thinking it, I'm sure. :)

So... for those of you who are reading this who've had infant loss, did you reach a point where you thought you just weren't coping? Where more of your day was bad than was good? What did you do? Did you talk to someone? Or is this just my new life, and I am yet to discover it? How long does this anger phase last? I am so sick of being me, I just want to be someone else for a while. Someone whose most difficult part of the day is a burnt casserole... or being stuck in traffic.
I am so beaten down from feeling sad. From grieving my little girl. From being on the verge of tears while everyone around me goes on with life, thinking I am too, when I am truly not. I am in a glass box, watching it all, in it all, yet so incredibly alone. I hate this.

Sorry this is so melancholic. I am trying to think of positive, hopeful things to say to stop those who read this from freaking out thinking I'm about to jump off a bridge. But it is what it is. Some days there is just no point in pointing out the positives. They just don't matter sometimes. I'm not just having a bad day. I still can't believe this happened sometimes. What a god damned rip off.


anarchist mom said...

My anger ebbs and flows. Now the irritability was a real issue for me (just snippy with DD and DH) and xanax has helped me with that, LOL. It doesn't help with a lot, but physically I don't feel like I'm read to snap. Just melancholic like you. My family is there for me too, but they don't understand and you do feel obligated to reassure them (even if it's a total sham) because you know they worry. I don't want them to worry, and like you, I definitely don't want pity. I just want understanding, and to not be alone and here on the internet, I get that. From blogs like yours for sure, and so many others. Thank you, dear, for that :)

Coggy said...

Nearly 6 months for me and the 4 and 5 month marks were difficult for me. I definitely felt like things had got worse again. I felt so bitter and angry about everything.

I see a homeopath who has helped me a lot. I talk to her about what is going on with me emotionally that month and she alters her treatments appropriately. To be honest I don't care if it's placebo it works for me.

I think grief is just like this. I think we go through loop after loop of the same emotions. Each time I think we resolve a little more and the gaps between the bad bits get a bit longer and the days in between start to get a bit better. It's just a long process. I didn't have any idea how long a process this was going to be.

I hope you get some relief from the anger soon. It's exhausting feeling angry all the time. Hang in there x x x x

PS my blog has gone private while you were away if you still want to read just email me: and I'll add you to the list.

Angelisa said...

I just came across your blog and am so glad I did.

First, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about Isla. What a beautiful name. I'm sure she was a beautiful baby girl. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this right now.

Second, right, the fuck, ON to everything you have been saying. Your honesty and clarity floors me. I hear you so clearly and I have felt so much of what you've said, but haven't been able to articulate it as truthfully as you have.

It's been 5 months as well for me after losing our son, Salvatore who was also born in Sept. I have also found the anger just spewing out now in this new month. I'm glad that you are writing what you are and not feeling obligated to look for the positive when you don't feel it. It's not melancholy, it's your truth and how else could you feel then, well, as you do...

You are not alone.

I am sending you much encouragement for what you're doing right now in even showing up in this journey and having the bravery to write about it as well.

Take good care.

CLC said...

I hear you on being tired of this. I am so tired of alternating between sad and angry. It's all I can think about, but like you said, I think people want to hear that we are "good" by now. But it will never go away. Maybe it will diminish, but it's always going to be there. And that sucks.

c. said...

I had one of those irrational anger moments this past weekend. It culminated in me leaving the house (which I was supposed to be doing anyway) and while driving away, thinking that I'd like to ram the car I was in into something. It even got as far as me thinking whether hitting the concreate meridian would be a better option than another car. Seriously. How's that for irrational?

I'm tired of this, too.

anarchist mom said...

Tonight was the first time I just wanted to scream. Go outside and scream. I didn't but I'm working up the courage. I'm just so mad, so freaking mad, and so sad.

missing_one said...

4-5 months was the hardest for me, once I got to 6, somehow, it seemed easier to cope with. But 4-5 months was very dark....very very dark. I feel like I didn't know myself.

You will come out of it!
With anger, I'd go to the gym as long as I need to work out my anger issues. I couldn't stand being so angry. I'd do cardio and run my heart out until I was too tired and no longer anger. Then I could go to sleep or come home and just be.

You have to hit rock bottom before you can start to crawl your way out. 4-5 months i think is just when you are like, "okay, so this is how it is...really, now who the hell am I and how do I deal with this the rest of my life?!"
Hang in there! YOU WILL MAKE IT!!!