Monday, February 18, 2008

it feels really good to write again, and I'm sorry I stayed away so long. I don't know why I've avoided it. Maybe I thought it would all go away if I stopped thinking about it.
Silly girl. I should know better.


charmedgirl said...

i do this all the time.

i feel like i'm drowining in all the reading and writing and commenting and i just want to pretend nothing happened for a while. i want to embrace the denial i so want to be real but i know i'm just pretending.

sometimes a break really helps.

on trying for another, i can't help but think that no matter what guilt or anything else i feel about having another baby...if it makes me feel that much calmer, i have to go with it. you know?

CLC said...

I have been wondering where you have been. I am glad you decided to post again.

I totally agree with your thoughts regarding the people who comment on how "strong" you are. As if you signed up for this. I don't know why people don't realize that life can be shit and you just have to roll with the punches. That being said, this is absolute hell in my opinion, but we have no choice but to try to come to terms with it and go on living. But by saying that, it's implying that we were chosen because we were stronger, and if that's the case, I want to be weak so I am not chosen for this again. That is, if I have the chance to go through this again. Sorry for the rambling, but that comment gets me so fired up.

Steph said...

charmed.. yes, completely, I know. It's like, well, if my life's going to suck 'x' much for the rest of my life, if having another makes it suck just a bit less, that's a good thing, so, yeah, I have to go with it. It's the last bit of hope there is, and I cling to it desperately.

clc.. no sorry necessary. I understand, and agree. Let me be weak. Let me wander aimlessly, goal-lessly through it all, and let me do it peacefully. How blissful that sounds.